Why do I feel like my baby “took” my relationship away?

Question from Sarah  A., 34, UK. Mama to a 6-month-old baby girl.

Oh, mama. I get it. 

We used to laugh. We used to flirt. We used to feel like us.

Now we’re just… surviving.
Passing the babies back and forth like teammates in a never-ending game.
Keeping score without meaning to —who got more sleep. Who changed more diapers. Who got to shower.

Sometimes I look at him and wonder if he even misses me.
If he sees me at all beneath the nursing pads, spit-up-stained shirts, and quiet exhaustion.

Because I miss him.
But more than that — I miss us.

The version of us that made this baby.
The couple who went out late, danced in the kitchen, whispered jokes in bed.
Now we barely speak unless it’s logistics.
“Did you pack the bottles?”
“Can you grab more wipes?”
“Your turn.”

I didn’t know one tiny human could shift everything between us.
The closeness. The ease. The desire.

I remember sitting on the couch one night, leaking milk through my shirt, watching him scroll on his phone, and thinking, “This isn’t what I pictured.”

And the guilt that followed —for resenting the very life we dreamed of.

But here's what I want you to know, if you're feeling it too:
You're not the only one grieving your relationship after your baby.
This kind of love — the surviving kind — it’s heavy.
But it doesn’t mean you're broken. It doesn’t mean you’re done.

Sometimes love changes shape in motherhood.
It hides in the quiet help.
The middle-of-the-night rocking.
The “I made you tea” when the baby finally sleeps.

I didn’t fix it overnight.
But I started tending to me again — slowly.
Letting myself feel held in soft, simple ways.
A maternity bra that felt like kindness instead of compression.
Moments of postpartum self-care that reminded me I was more than just a feeding machine.

Because when I felt more like me,
I could see him again.
And we could start finding our way back — not to what we were,
but to who we’re becoming now.

You haven’t lost everything.
The “us” underneath the tired still exists.
You’re still partners.
You’re just learning how to be lovers and parents at the same time.

Love,
Lina P.