Why do I feel angry when people say “you’re such a good mom”?

Question from Karen L., 35, France. Mama to 10-month-old baby Leo.

A high-achieving, busy-bee mom navigating postpartum exhaustion and identity loss, while receiving constant praise that feels disconnected from her lived reality. She's unsure why she feels so insecure if everyone's telling her how great she's doing.

Mama, 

“You’re such a good mom.”

I used to crave those words.
Like they would somehow validate the mess I was surviving.

But the more I heard them, the more they felt like chains.
Heavy. Pressing. Final.

Because when someone says that, what they really mean is:
You’re coping so well.
You’re not allowed to break.
You’re doing better than you should be.

I wasn’t.
I was rage-crying in the shower.
Scrolling forums at 3am, Googling “why do I feel numb after becoming a mom.”
Missing who I was before every breath became someone else’s need.

Being told you’re a good mom when you’re struggling can feel like emotional gaslighting. Like your pain is invisible because you’re performing the role “well.”

I didn’t want to be admired. I wanted to be understood.
I wanted someone to say, “I see how heavy this is. You’re allowed to put it down.”

One morning, after snapping at my partner for breathing too loudly (yep, that fragile), I stood in the mirror — puffy-eyed, cracked-lipped, wearing the same nursing bra three days in a row — and said out loud:
“I’m doing my best. And it’s okay if my best is ugly right now.”

That was a turning point.

Not a solution, not a transformation.
But a moment of truth.

That’s what postpartum self-care really means — not bubble baths, but permission.

Permission to be more than “a good mom.”
To be tired. To be lost. To be in process.

So if the compliments sting, you’re not broken.
You’re just human.

And being a good mom doesn’t mean disappearing into the role.

It means showing up — cracked open, real, and still loving.

Love,
Lina P.