I don’t believe in gentle parenting. Will my baby grow up scared of me if I say 'no'?

Question from Rachel M., 26, Bristol, UK. Mom to an 8-month-old baby boy, Alex.

Rachel is navigating motherhood while trying to unlearn her own childhood conditioning. She's read every gentle parenting resource she could get her hands on—but in the trenches of exhaustion, she’s realizing some things just don’t work for her nervous system.

Mama, 

I wanted to love gentle parenting.
I did.

I read the books, saved the infographics, joined the online support groups. I even nodded along when my friend said her toddler had never been “told no”—only redirected. I was hopeful, open-hearted, ready to reparent myself while parenting my babies.

But then came the twins.
The relentless noise. The overstimulation. The back-to-back meltdowns, diaper blowouts, feedings, the nursing strikes, the teething, the forgotten meals for myself. The overwhelm didn’t come in waves—it just stayed.

And suddenly, “gentle” didn’t feel so gentle anymore.
Not for them. Not for me.

I remember one afternoon—maybe day three of no sleep—I caught one twin reaching for a metal charger cord near the wall outlet while the other was arching out of the carrier mid-scream. I just blurted it out:
“No.”

Not softly. Not singing it like a lullaby.
Just… No.

And as soon as I said it, I felt the guilt claw its way up my spine.
Did I just mess them up? Will they remember the tone in my voice? Was I a bad mom for not “leaning in” to their curiosity or redirecting them to a wooden toy with a pastel color palette?

I know now—I’m not a bad mom.
And neither are you.

Sometimes "no" is the most loving word we can offer.
It keeps them safe. It gives them boundaries. It helps them know where we begin and where they end. It teaches them that the world will hold limits, and that those limits can come with love.

I still try to stay calm. I still explain things when I can. But I also forgive myself for the days when I can’t. When “no” comes out sharp, or louder than I want.

Because gentle parenting isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being present.
And part of being present is showing up as your full self—even the tired, overstimulated, boundary-setting version.

So no, your baby won’t grow up scared of you because you said “no.”
They’ll grow up knowing you cared enough to keep them safe… even when it was hard.
Even when you were on granola bars and fumes.

You're not failing them.
You’re mothering them.

And that’s more than enough.

Love,
Lina P.