Why do I feel so angry when everyone says I’m “doing great”?

Question from Elke B., 29, Hamburg, Germany. Mom to a 3-month-old baby girl, Amalia. 

Amina is a first-time mom navigating postpartum life after a difficult birth. She’s the “strong one” in her friend group — the one who always keeps it together. But inside, she’s unraveling. The compliments feel like a mask she can’t take off.

Mama,

I remember standing in the grocery store checkout line, twins in the cart, spit-up on my shoulder, barely holding it together — when a well-meaning stranger smiled and said,
“You’re doing amazing.”

And I wanted to scream.

Not because I wasn’t grateful for the kind words.
But because no one saw what it cost me to appear “okay.”

No one saw the panic attack I had in the car before coming in.
Or the cold coffee reheated for the third time.
Or the way I’d cried quietly in the bathroom so my babies wouldn’t hear.

When people say “you’re doing great” — but don’t ask how you’re really doing — it can feel like they’re praising the mask, not the mom.

That kind of praise doesn’t comfort. It corners.
It says, “Keep it up. Don’t fall apart. We like you better when you’re smiling.”

But here’s what I want you to know:

• You don’t have to earn rest by pretending to be fine.
• You don’t have to keep performing when you’re barely functioning.
• And you don’t have to swallow your pain just because it makes others uncomfortable.

Motherhood and mental health are tangled.
So many of us are drowning in the mental load of motherhood — while being told we’re “incredible.”

You are incredible. But not because you hide your struggle.
You’re incredible because you keep showing up — even when you’re unseen, unheard, and barely stitched together.

And if no one has told you lately:

It’s okay not to be okay.
You don’t have to keep it all together.
And being real doesn’t make you weak. It makes you free.

You are not alone in this, mama.
You’re not broken. You’re brave.
Even if no one sees the storm — I do.

Love,
Lina P.